Sunday, September 16, 2018

A Prelude to Nightfall...


"Okay, so..."


VYRASIA, RUSSIA 1933

"О, ничего себе! You know, that boy of yours is so special!" The lady in the blue dress exclaimed to his mother, nodding over to where he stood next to baby brother, who sat, distracted, in his stroller. "And he's so well behaved!" the lady exclaimed. Alexei squirmed, pulling at his tie. His mother had dressed him in his newest all-white outfit, complete with the black tie and shoes.
Alexei's mother looked over to his brother and him with a smile. "They're my joy. And you know, Dmitri already knows so many words!"
"Oh, my, a smart one, too! To have the gifted be so prominent in your family, you truly are blessed. And yet, your husband shows no signs?"
"No. It's very common that one sibling could be gifted while the other comes out with a particular taste for cheap vodka. Also, I somehow still laugh at his jokes, so maybe there's a special gift he's not telling me about." Alexei's mother and the lady laughed.
The sun shone down on the backyard, making the green grass look even more vibrant than usual. Even the drab gray picket fence seemed brighter than usual. There were so many people in their yard today. Alexei didn't know most of the stuffy grown-ups at his birthday party, but his mother had told him that his father's "work friends" would be coming. The boy's own friends couldn't make it on a school night, so he was told he would have to wait until the weekend for a party more his speed. He tried hard not to look as bored as he really was.
Alexei looked around and noticed how high the gifts had piled on the table. He smiled and pulled his finger from his collar. It was the only good thing about this whole event. Grownups can afford good gifts. Well, it was that, and Mr. Abraham, his father's assistant. Mr. Abraham was always so theatrical and ready to entertain. Maybe he'll do some of his amazing magic tricks.
"Well, we'll need as many warriors as we can get, blessed and not," blue dress lady continued. Another guest arrived, and Alexei watched as she placed a smaller present on the table, wrapped in  bright yellow and red.
"Why do you say that?" Alexei's mother inquired of the woman.
"Oh you haven't heard the rumblings?" the woman returned.
"Alexei!" His father exclaimed as he scooped the boy up from behind in a hug. The boy squealed with glee at the sudden flight. "I bet you are just dying to get out of these white clothes so you can do some running around and enjoy your birthday!"
"YES!" the birthday boy giggled.
"Well let's change clothes and get you in something that suits you a little better and then you and I and Dmitri can have some real fun at this party!" He leaned over the cover of the stroller at the unusually quiet toddler in a tuxedo. "Well, I guess someone is going to stay just the way he is." He said, suddenly in a whisper. "You go ahead and change. Dmitri's asleep."


***


"просыпаться Дмитрий!"
Alexei ran to his little brother's bedside and shook him frantically. The four-year-old boy that he was calling to let out a sleepy whimper. "Please wake up Dmitri, we need to go," Alexei said in a half whisper. He looked from the room into the hall, heart racing. It was three days after his seventh birthday, and everything was falling apart. The monsters had come.
He didn't know what they were or what made them come, but he had overheard his parents talking about them on different occasions, and they always sounded nervous. He had heard them talk about the rivers of blood that the creatures caused to flow through the streets, and he remembered them praying that the monsters would never return to their town. But here they were. And here he was. He had been watching his sleeping brother for a few minutes while his parents had stepped out to the neighbors. "If anything happens, don't try and find us, you go to your Uncle Ivan's house, immediately," his father had told him, like always. They gave each boy a kiss on the forehead, as always. "We will be right back, okay? Look after your brother," his mother assured him, like always.
A piercing screech echoed through the halls of the house. Alexei had turned on every light he passed, but the oak wood trim on all of the walls always seemed the house darker.
"Dmitri, we need to go. Come on, there you go," Alexei said to the toddler, who was slowly crawling out of his toddler-­sized bed and rubbing his eyes.
"Ma?" Dmitri mumbled.
"мама will be right back, Dmitri. Come, we're going to Uncle Ivan's house. You like Uncle Ivan, right?" Alexei talked as much as he could to mask the terrifying noise outside.
"Seep?" Dmitri asked.
"Yeah Dmitri, you can sleep. We have to hurry though, come..." He began pulling Dmitri toward the door.
"одеяло." said Dmitri, requesting his favorite blanket, and pulling back with a whimper that threatened an oncoming tantrum.
"Ok, ok Dmitri, please be quiet. I'll get your blanket." Alexei responded, letting go of Dmitri's hand to run back for the blanket. His eyes began to well up with tears as he rushed back through the hall of his one-story home for the blanket, and he wiped them away immediately. This was no time for weakness. What would папа do? He thought to himself. "He would be strong. My father would be strong," he whispered to himself aloud. He snatched up the blanket and turned around to rush it to his brother who had followed him and was standing in the doorway of the bedroom, completely ignorant of the bloodthirsty threats that awaited them outside. Alexei placed the coveted blanket in Dmitri's waiting hand. He picked up his little brother and began to carry him toward the front door of the house. His parents had always praised him for his extraordinary strength for his age. He laid Dmitri's head on his shoulder and covered the toddler's open ear with his hand. "Go to sleep Dmitri," Alexei said, hoping that the deafening pounding of his own heartbeat wouldn't keep the toddler awake. "Everything will be okay when we get to Uncle Ivan's house," he said to his brother, but actually trying to reassure himself as he tentatively moved through the house. Suddenly the front door burst open, ripping from the wall. Alexei froze in fear, holding his brother tight.
"Hurry, boys!" It was Uncle Ivan, standing tall and gruff, his massive beard the same color as the fur on his black coat. "Come! What are you waiting for?!" Alexei shook off the shock and ran to his rescuer.
"Uncle, what's happening?" Alexei asked as he handed his younger brother to him.
"Vampires, boy." Uncle Ivan responded. "Foul, bloodsucking beasts. Come, come, boy, we must get to shelter. We'll be safe at my house." He took his nephew's hand tight. They moved quickly out into the night. It seemed like the only light that shone came from fires around the town. Clouds covered the usually starry night sky. The chaos seemed a blur as the trio rounded the corner and saw the light from Uncle Ivan's grand home shining through the glass in his massive double ­doors and into the street. The group reached the stairs to the haven and climbed as fast as they could. Uncle Ivan pushed the boys forward into the house and turned to close and lock the door. Suddenly, he was sent flying back above the boys' heads and through the great double doors of the next room, onto the marble floor in his Great Hall. As he rolled over, his massive form exposed the pale, naked feral-­looking person hissing loudly at him. He pushed it off, sending it flying into a wall, and took a fighting stance.
"Up the stairs! Both of you! GO!" He yelled at the boys.
Alexei quickly prepared to obey, but before he could grab his brother and head for the stairs, a woman's voice came from the open doorway, leading to the outside.
"Can I come in?" the woman asked calmly. It was sweet, soft, and rhythmic. It sounds like angels crying, Alexei thought to himself. He turned to her. She was beautiful. She wore what looked like an all­ black wedding gown, bejeweled with rubies. Just the sight of her made him relax, and all his fears melted away.
"Yes," Alexei responded in a whisper. She smiled the sweetly.
"NO!" Alexei heard his Uncle yell. Alexei snapped out of his stupor and immediately noticed the unnaturally long canines in the woman's hypnotizing smile. The rubies in her gown became blood splatter. Her smile dropped to a frown as she turned her gaze towards Uncle Ivan and when she did, the beast in the room with Ivan charged towards him with a shriek. The burly Russian swiftly caught the creature's face in his palm and with a flick of his wrist, broke its neck backward. He then grabbed the dead monster by its leg and threw it with all his might at the woman in the doorway. The ghoul flew swiftly across the Great Hall.
How is Uncle so strong? Alexei wondered.
The woman reached out and caught the creature with one hand, spun around with the momentum and sent it flying back to Ivan, who stepped aside and let the body crash limply into the grand pillar behind him. She looks so elegant-
"SNAP OUT OF IT, ALEXEI!­" came a booming voice through the fog. Suddenly Alexei could hear the cries of his baby brother as things cleared away in his head.
"MAMA!" the toddler cried, squirming in Alexei's arms.
"Hush, Dmitri," he whispered into his brother's ear. "Mama will come." he lied.
"Now is that how you treat an old friend, Ivan?" the woman asked calmly, adjusting her gloves, walking patiently into the home and through the doors of the Great Hall.
"I've never liked you, woman. Even when human blood coursed through your veins," Ivan retorted. "Alexei, upstairs!" he commanded, walking toward the woman. Alexei grabbed Dmitri and ran up the stairs, stopping partway, mesmerized by the events unfolding before him. "Why have you come here?" He demanded of the vampire Queen.
"You know why I'm here, Ivan." The woman replied, eyeing Alexei and Dmitri with a gentle smile as they scampered up the spiral stairs. "I am going to walk away from this place with that boy."
I won't let her get him. Alexei thought, clenching his brother tight and inching up that stairs.
"I will not let him become one of you. Leave this place now, before your reign over these foul creatures comes to a swift and painful end," Uncle Ivan said to the woman, walking toward her.
"As they say, Ivan, talk is cheap." the woman responded. She thrust both her fists into Ivan's chest, throwing him back, deeper into the Hall. As he landed, the house shook. He rolled and jumped up quickly as she charged towards him in a fury. He caught her, mid­-dash, with his boot to her chest and slammed her to the floor. He raised his other foot and aimed for her deceptively beautiful face, but the bottom of her boot met the bottom of his, her knee tucked into her chest. She thrust her leg up, sending him crashing into the roof.
As he fell back down, she rolled out of the way and let him hit the floor. She leapt while he tried to recover and shoved her high heel into his side with all her might. "AAGH!" Uncle Ivan flew across the room and crashed into the wall.
"It was nice knowing you, Ivan." the woman said as she walked across the Hall, adjusting her gloves again. She left a trail of blood that dripped from the heel that had penetrated his side. At the front door, the pale creatures began to pour into the doorway and rush towards the Hall. Alexei tried hushing his crying brother, whose wails seemed deafening.
"It will definitely take more than a little paper cut to stop me, woman. You know this." Ivan said, rising to his feet. Blood began to pour from his open wound.
"Haha, I would never underestimate you like that, Ivan," the woman responded with a big, fanged smile. As she spoke, a pair of dark, leathery, clawed wings, grew from her back. She ran towards him, and as she got close enough to him to strike, one of the wings thrust out, claw first, towards Uncle Ivan's chest. He caught the appendage with one hand, pulled the woman to him with it and wrapped his other arm behind her head. He held her head under his arm and crushed the bones of the wing in his hand. She let out a vicious, pain ­filled scream. Ivan squeezed and wrenched her neck up in a jerking motion until the bones let out a loud and definitive "SNAP." He dropped her limp body to the floor. All around the hall stood a small army of vampire ghouls, hairless humanoids, once normal people, now mindless, loyal pets of the queen. They were quiet. Staring. Waiting.
Ivan spat on the floor, looking at the beasts. "Waiting for orders from a leader that isn't there." Ivan began to walk toward the stairway.
"Ivan, I would think you would have the common courtesy not to underestimate me either."
Uncle Ivan stopped in his tracks and sighed. He turned his head towards the voice coming from behind him.
"You're starting to irritate me, beast." His hands curled tightly into fists. The vampire charged at him. He turned and caught the wings as they thrust toward him. "You don't learn, woman." She walked closer to him, his hands occupied holding the clawed extremities at bay. He prepared to raise his leg, but the woman caught the top of his foot with hers and stomped it to the ground.
"Oh, I learn well, Ivan." She removed the glove from one of her hands and rushed to him, embracing him with one arm. She sighed.
"We could have been soooo good together, Ivan." She whispered. His grip weakened on her wings. She stepped back as he fell to his knees. The woman pulled her hand, dripping with blood, from inside of his stomach and licked her fingertip. She turned around. "Now for the boy." She walked over to the stairway, at the top of which was a fearful Alexei holding his whimpering little brother as tight as he could. She smiled the sweetest smile and hid her bloody hand behind her back.
"You can't have him," Alexei said, shivering.
“Alexei Vestyaz," the woman said, with a gentle smile, "I don't want him." She cast a look to the little one, and his crying stopped immediately as he became fixated on the woman. Alexei stared at her in awe and confusion. "No," She said, turning to the older brother again. "I'm here for you. You're the special one."
Alexei’s brow furrowed as he tried to comprehend what she meant. Finally, he understood that with his Uncle Ivan gone, there was nothing he could do but whatever the strange lady said.
"If- if I go with you..." he stuttered. "You have to promise you won't hurt Dmitri!" Alexei demanded.
"Oh, I'd never, darling." Alexei's grip on his brother relaxed. She laughed softly. She came up close to them. "No harm will come to your beautiful baby brother. Ugh! You are just the cutest, you know that, Alexei?" She leaned in, to look deeper into his eyes. "You're a lot like your Uncle. Strong. Cute. But, do you want to know how you can be even stronger than your Uncle Ivan?" She asked.
"Yes?" Alexei replied, lost in her beautiful, dark eyes.
"I can show you. Just turn your head and close your eyes."
"Okay." Alexei laid his brother down next to him, gently. "It's going to be okay," he whispered in Dmitri's ear.
The Queen smiled. "This'll sting for a second," she told him as she leaned in and sunk her razor sharp fangs deep into the side of his neck. Alexei winced, and then he relaxed. He exhaled for the last time, grabbing the woman's head, and holding her tight. The cold rushed into his skin. Suddenly, she released, and her head jerked back. He opened his eyes. A hand was protruding from the woman's chest. Uncle Ivan peeked over her shoulder.
"Head and heart." Uncle Ivan said. "Sorry about that. I seem to have forgotten. Won't happen again." He wrenched her head back until he heard that familiar snap. He dropped her body down the stairs.
"Alexei!" he exclaimed when he saw the blood dripping from his nephew's neck. He fell to his knees.
"You can't..." His face turned up. Tears welled in his eyes as he weakly reached his hands up to his nephew's neck. "You can't..." his face relaxed. His hands released as he collapsed back on the stairs and fell to the bottom on top of the lifeless Queen.
Alexei collapsed next to his brother. "Dmitri... I-" Alexei strained. The Darkness crept in as he closed his eyes.

***

"Wait, what?!"

"What's wrong?"

"I thought this was the story of the vampire king!"

"Well, it's only the beginning..."

Friday, March 2, 2018

Sock Diaries...:3/2/2018

I wanted to title this something else. Make it some profound life lesson. But I don't think I really have the answer to this riddle. I recently went through something that was designed to make me question everything I was made of. And the one lesson I took away from it was that every day ends. No matter what happens, every day ends. And that's a philosophy I took with me into other things. The darkness, the clouds, the quiet. Either way, it has to end, as every day does. But I ran into something I hadn't considered. What if the end of the day is the very thing you're afraid of? What if the darkness brings the thought of her and what you no longer have together, and reminds you that your nights will be cold and lonely and that you'll never stop missing her, or at least the idea of her. You remember the things lost when the noise stops and you're alone with your thoughts. There's no escaping that. So what do you do? I think, maybe... You just flip the philosophy and wait for the night to end. Because that, too, must end. And the day comes, and the sun shines again, and for a moment, the noise drowns out the deafening sounds of silence...

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Sock Diaries...: 12/17/2017

About an hour ago everything seemed so clear. But I'm starting to get the feeling that this whole thing may be completely fucked. I thought I knew what came next, and that I could depend on the outcome. 
But I honestly have no idea what I'm doing in this regard. I was patient, I was understanding, but in the end, I was flawed. For a moment I thought I knew how this ended. There's no guarantee that there will never be another lonely night, but I'd definitely never be alone. I knew that there would always be someone who kept me as a priority, and who I would do the same. It was clear that this was the time for me to cut the bullshit and do the thing. And as not ready as I was, I was ready... I got ready... I would get ready...
An hour ago, I could see it. A minute later it was gone. My future dragged back into the mist, reduced back to silhouettes and shapes. I don't know if I don't take things seriously because they're not serious, or if things aren't serious because I don't take them seriously. I guard myself from commitments that aren't concrete, protecting myself from a fate that may derail the vague perfect future I assume awaits. But am I just a coward afraid of taking a real risk? I thought not. For a minute, I was ready to take that risk, because I felt reassured that it was worth it. For a minute, I saw into the future, and it was so beautiful. But maybe I only saw into a dream... and then I woke up.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

Apologies...

I apologize,
I'm really working on myself these days
and so,
Mea Culpa for my selfish ways
I mean
You're beautiful I'm glad you gave me a chance
I'm just
Working on this whole "Becoming a man"
And so...

Pardon me if I'm a little bit impatient
or a little bit complacent
or making a few mistakes and...
I'd love
to try and take you on a date and
get away from all the fakers
and see if you and I can make it...
So...

Here I am
A diamond in the rough
Hoping to shine just for you
And I hope that's enough...

and if not,
I apologize...

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Sweet Loneliness...

I'm coming to a place where I'm finally learning the value of loneliness. As an aspiring writer and creator, I know its surface value. Most great art comes from a place of great emotion, and the greatest emotion I've ever felt was loneliness. I've spent the greater part of my life as the misunderstood, the overlooked, the undervalued. And so I'm familiar with the value that loneliness brings to my art. But that's not the value that I'm thinking about right now.
The value of loneliness is that sometimes it's not just that you wish you had some form of companionship or personal relationship that brings the pain, but how much you like yourself. Time alone is time in the mirror, and I can tell you honestly that I've never much liked spending too much time staring at myself. It isn't a lack of self confidence or self-worth (not completely, at least). It's that as they say, you're your biggest critic. Staring in the mirror is a sure fire way to come face to face with every flaw you have, and when you feel like those flaws make up most of who you are, loneliness tends to become unbearable.
It's this self analysis that made loneliness one of the most difficult things for me to go through, because for years, I didn't like who I was. For most of my life, I hated being alone with myself. It wasn't until recently, and through years of ignoring advice that I thought was just too simple and pedestrian to be of any value, that I finally understood how I could embrace that familiar pain. Instead of looking in the mirror and wondering why I hated what I saw, it became time to change what I didn't like and become a better version of myself. Coincidentally, who I am when I'm lonely is what I don't like about myself. That fear of being the only one in the room turns me into a desperate imitation of myself. I become selfish and greedy, not cracking a smile unless there's something to be gained. Not giving anyone the time of day unless they find a way to pay me for it. The self-loathing stemming from completely investing my personal value in other people's view of me ironically becomes the reason people viewed me as less. My standard of romantic and platonic relationships drop drastically, and I find myself associated with people that I know I'm wasting my time with. I find myself not sharing a single interest with some, or physically, mentally, or spiritually repulsed by them. And it's not them to blame. It's myself. I resent them for me choosing to be there. How ridiculous is that?
And so I arrived at a place where once again I was forced to look myself in the mirror and figure out why I didn't like what I saw. The reason? I had reduced myself to fit into a mold that didn't belong to me. And not only did it hurt me, but other people could tell that I didn't belong. Never again. I will read, write, and exercise my body and mind, so that when it's time for me to invite someone new into my world, we'll both like what we see. So this time around, as loneliness extends its cold hand and invites me to the floor, I'm going to step out onto that floor and dance like nobody is watching. Besides, it's just me in here.

Image result for ballroom dance

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Fearing Life More Than Death...

It's a strange thing, this thing I've discovered. The young, old person. With all of the aches and pains that the years have brought,the struggle, the weight of the world bearing down, but none of the wisdom. We're mostly just as foolish as we once were, even more so at times. These elder younglings tend to feel aged. and tired after only a few years out of school.
The worst thing of all is that this scares them into thinking that they're too old for everything. Too old to live. The easiest thing to do is to imagine that you've missed the train and the window of opportunity and that greatness can no longer be expected of you. No need to try anymore, right?
I find myself in this same position. Stifling my own hopes and dreams in lieu of coasting through, knowing that I'm just too old to think about getting some of these awesome places. Even when those opportunities came knocking at my door. They tell you to try and do so many things when you're still young, but never tell how old young is. I see people a bit older than me, 28, 29 years old talking about all the things they're too old to do now like climbing that mountain, or starting that adventure. But what really happens is that they stay in that place until they're actually too old and wonder why they never made that change.
It seems like the thing that many people are afraid of most is not being to old for something, but being too young to cop out. Too young to quit. So many of us enter adulthood and life hands us our first ass whipping and suddenly the lone, roaming wolf turns into the scared house cat. We all need work on getting over that fear that we have. Not a fear of death, but a fear of life.



Friday, September 16, 2016

Insanity...

"Insanity- doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
- Probably not Albert Einstein, and definitely not true...

Here's the truth. You do things over and over again because it just feels so much better to do them than to not. So the question arises. Is it bad for you? It doesn't matter if it's just not good for you, but is it bad for you? Is it literally poisoning you, either your mind, body or soul(heart)? I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of eternity, with no idea how or why I'm going to take this leap. But I have to, one way or another. I'd love to have some kind of idea of where this next step leads, but that's just not how it works. 
It's a question of faith, and effort. How much are you willing to put in? How much do you have? What do you do when you run out? 
I don't have the answers to these questions. If anyone did, half of the romantic comedies in the world would make even less sense than they already do. I have no wise words for you that will explain how to sort this one out or even make it simpler. Well, simpler than this-
You know the poison ones. They're the ones you would describe yourself as "addicted" to. Just stop. No matter how hard it is, just stop. They aren't and never will be good for you. And as for the other ones, that you are unsure about, you need to figure out if you're wondering if you're too good for them, or they're too good for you. And if they're to good for you, get better or get the fuck out and make room for someone better. If you're too good for them, they're what we call "Poison" and if you head back on up the blog, you'll see what we say about the poisonous ones. 


"I'm a lost dog chasing a rabbit. 
More like chasing my tail, 
some tail, 
a tale...
Truth is,
I'm at the tail end of this tale's end 
and I have no idea what that entails."