I have to be honest. I am a magician at opening with women. I can get almost any woman interested, no matter my physical appearance at the time, or my financial status. I actually got the number of one girl with the opening of me going overdraft for a sandwich. She was the cashier. My problem lies in the close. It actually always has. Where am I going after I've gotten her attention? If I can't close in a matter of minutes, I'm probably gonna burn. But there was something I discovered about having already opened with someone. Even if you burn out in the first round you have to remember. There is always room to redefine yourself in someone else's eyes. What is needed is time and a plan. (This method also works with escaping the Friend Zone.)
BEFORE I reveal to you these trade secrets, I have to present you with this one DISCLAIMER: If, when I say burn out, your "burn out" involves you offending, pissing off or in any way presenting the person you pursue with any unpleasant feelings other than BOREDOM and LACK OF INTEREST, this shit will not work for you, work on your social skills or find another species to have sex with (dugongs are said to have vaginas most similar to the human female, they're actually what sailors had sex with and turned into the myth of mermaids. Yes it was the bottom half that was human).
After you've opened with a woman of interest and burnt your chances to the ground, you do what federal agents call "go dark". You have to disappear from their radar for a while. The next time you intend to come in contact with her should be weeks, even months later. Before you talk to her, it might help to have masturbated recently, and be looking your best. I don't mean suit and tie, or even button down. I mean the best version of you that you can offer. If all you wear is heavy metal band T-shirts, then dig out your cleanest, newest, least horrifying shirt, iron that motherfucker if need be, find your clean jeans, and do something with your hair you bum, you look like you just came from a homeless orgy.
Another thing that goes far (for some strange reason) is compliments. Not to many, but not too subtle either. Sprinkle in some very blunt compliments, like " Look at you looking extra cute today." and/or "You know you are so much prettier when you're smiling." What I like to do is bombard her with like 3 or four compliments at once, this throws her off her defenses- and then stop and become strictly business ask questions about things you want to get, no more compliments. If all cards up until then have been played right, this will leave her wanting more. Ask about things like "Hey do you know somebody selling a (insert random item here)?" This usually leads to her trying to start a conversation about this item. "Oh so you're getting a new (random item)?" To which you should reply with a decently blunt response. "Yeah I was just looking into it, mine's been acting up." You don't engage further, and during this conversation, you don't look at her directly. Try to keep your eyes off in the distance as if you're looking for something. This gives the illusion that this is a privileged visit. Keep things on your first return into her life simple and straight forward. It's best to leave on a flirty note, though. You don't have to give anymore compliments, you can end it with something like "I'll hit you later." And leave with a little smile. LITTLE. The kind of smile that gives the impression that you're not ecstatic, but you are a little bit happier you saw her. It also helps a lot if you give her an obvious once over while you're walking away, as if you're trying to be slick and check out her body without her noticing. I usually glance all the way down to the belt or waist. This way you compliment the BODY, but if you stop at the boobs, she'll get the wrong (or right) impression, which you obviously don't want. I don't know why they're taught to be so sensitive about guys looking at their breasts, but they are.
Now these steps, instructions and/or tips I've offered you are for "chance" meetings in public places, her job (if it's like a Walmart or a Radio Shack or a mall. These are the best places to REdefine yourself, because you don't have to go too far out of your way to pretend you had a reason to be there. This is also barring the fact that she may be with someone. If so, keep her on hold, talk to her PERIODICALLY. DO NOT get into long conversations about her new boyfriend, hoping for info about him that you can use to turn on him and get her to leave. She has to make her own decisions about these things. You will only make it worse for yourself in the end. The plan always backfires.
So that just about concludes this post. I hope you learned something on this little visit into the wonderful little world of A Simple Sonata. That's all the time we have, thank you for playing. This post was sponsored in part by Downloaded Porn, "If you're still paying for porn, you're wrong." and Boredom "You have no life. That's why you're in this situation." Stay tuned next week when we interview John Jacobjingleheimerschmidt. "An original name? Or is it in fact, EVERYONE'S name?"
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Young Love...
Today/night/afternoon/morning (to- doesn't even go on afternoon or morning) we're going to talk about a pandemic. It's called The Bubonic Plague.
No. Of course I'm not going to talk about the fucking Bubonic Plague. That's depressing as hell. What I am going to talk about is young love, or the predictable collapse thereof. It's nothing new that teenagers get together into dozens of short-lived relationships throughout their pre- post- and during- pubescent period. It's also nothing new that these relationships have the life-expectancy of a house-fly. Most experienced adults attribute the limited time frame to the young person's lack of knowledge of "how to love", or "what love is". This is, in so many words, bullshit. If someone could just "know how to love" another person, then the divorce rate would probably be a fraction of a fraction of what it is know. In theory, you should be able to marry anybody, and meet the requirement "till death do you part." And knowing what love is doesn't give you more of a chance of being in love, as if not knowing disqualifies you from being able to claim your love publicly. Loving someone in a relationship, and knowing it, is a matter of opinion, and point-of-view. Apparently you'll just recognize it, like sea turtles that crawl to the ocean. Bullshit.
But I'm not here to argue your case with your homophobic parents about your love for your gay/lesbian/canine companion. I'm only here to tell you why your relationship with your dog won't last. Relationships often start hot and heavy, a lot of physical contact, communication and not wanting to be away from each other. When things go well, you get what some people call "Young Love". Feelings grow and things get more intense. When things go well, trust is built, and more things are explored that were rarely, or ever explored before. The relationship climaxes. Here is where problems start.
In Most Common Scenario Numbered 1: One person still vies for the same attention level as when the relationship climaxed. They do not sense, or choose not to acknowledge the decline in excitement in the relationship. They hold out the same amount of enthusiasm as when the relationship first started, while their partner loses interest more and more because of this over-enthusiasm. Eventually the relationship crashes into a fiery abyss.
In Most Common Scenario Numbered 2: The relationship flows through it's natural course, starting off strong, getting stronger and eventually zeroing out before the intensity begins a steady and inevitable decline. The partners don't go out of their way as often to see or communicate like they used to. They don't spend anywhere near as much time around each other, nor do they even want to. At some point, someone sees this as a problem. They are concerned that the two are "growing apart". Of course this is true. But it's not always as bad as the concerned may choose to believe. It may just be a lull, or just things finally balancing out, because no matter how good something is, it can get old. If your relationship reaches this point and survives, you're gonna be stuck with that one for a while. I hope you like them. This is the stage of an even, logical balance of sex and attention from/to both parties. Of course there are relationships that start at that state. Lucky motherfuckers. But if someone does panic, then this relationship will end in a small explosion and a large cloud of smoke, fog, and debris.
Now the final scenario I will talk about will be Most Common Scenario Numbered 86.4: You actually grow apart. It happens whether you're young, middle aged, old, or Dick Cheney. You both lose interest, mutually. And eventually one of you says, "Fuck it, hey I wanna go date that chick that works the register at Walmart." "Really? I was gonna go date her sister..."
Of course you have your usual relationship killers like infidelity, lies, betrayals, insanity, murder, and more commonly, lack of trust, which ties in to the he-say, she-say, misunderstandings, and previous experiences.
Honestly, the best you can do is try not to be the reason your relationship ends. And if it has to end, take from it and bring more to the table next time. Or question your sexuality.
No. Of course I'm not going to talk about the fucking Bubonic Plague. That's depressing as hell. What I am going to talk about is young love, or the predictable collapse thereof. It's nothing new that teenagers get together into dozens of short-lived relationships throughout their pre- post- and during- pubescent period. It's also nothing new that these relationships have the life-expectancy of a house-fly. Most experienced adults attribute the limited time frame to the young person's lack of knowledge of "how to love", or "what love is". This is, in so many words, bullshit. If someone could just "know how to love" another person, then the divorce rate would probably be a fraction of a fraction of what it is know. In theory, you should be able to marry anybody, and meet the requirement "till death do you part." And knowing what love is doesn't give you more of a chance of being in love, as if not knowing disqualifies you from being able to claim your love publicly. Loving someone in a relationship, and knowing it, is a matter of opinion, and point-of-view. Apparently you'll just recognize it, like sea turtles that crawl to the ocean. Bullshit.
But I'm not here to argue your case with your homophobic parents about your love for your gay/lesbian/canine companion. I'm only here to tell you why your relationship with your dog won't last. Relationships often start hot and heavy, a lot of physical contact, communication and not wanting to be away from each other. When things go well, you get what some people call "Young Love". Feelings grow and things get more intense. When things go well, trust is built, and more things are explored that were rarely, or ever explored before. The relationship climaxes. Here is where problems start.
In Most Common Scenario Numbered 1: One person still vies for the same attention level as when the relationship climaxed. They do not sense, or choose not to acknowledge the decline in excitement in the relationship. They hold out the same amount of enthusiasm as when the relationship first started, while their partner loses interest more and more because of this over-enthusiasm. Eventually the relationship crashes into a fiery abyss.
In Most Common Scenario Numbered 2: The relationship flows through it's natural course, starting off strong, getting stronger and eventually zeroing out before the intensity begins a steady and inevitable decline. The partners don't go out of their way as often to see or communicate like they used to. They don't spend anywhere near as much time around each other, nor do they even want to. At some point, someone sees this as a problem. They are concerned that the two are "growing apart". Of course this is true. But it's not always as bad as the concerned may choose to believe. It may just be a lull, or just things finally balancing out, because no matter how good something is, it can get old. If your relationship reaches this point and survives, you're gonna be stuck with that one for a while. I hope you like them. This is the stage of an even, logical balance of sex and attention from/to both parties. Of course there are relationships that start at that state. Lucky motherfuckers. But if someone does panic, then this relationship will end in a small explosion and a large cloud of smoke, fog, and debris.
Now the final scenario I will talk about will be Most Common Scenario Numbered 86.4: You actually grow apart. It happens whether you're young, middle aged, old, or Dick Cheney. You both lose interest, mutually. And eventually one of you says, "Fuck it, hey I wanna go date that chick that works the register at Walmart." "Really? I was gonna go date her sister..."
Of course you have your usual relationship killers like infidelity, lies, betrayals, insanity, murder, and more commonly, lack of trust, which ties in to the he-say, she-say, misunderstandings, and previous experiences.
Honestly, the best you can do is try not to be the reason your relationship ends. And if it has to end, take from it and bring more to the table next time. Or question your sexuality.
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