I'm coming to a place where I'm finally learning the value of loneliness. As an aspiring writer and creator, I know its surface value. Most great art comes from a place of great emotion, and the greatest emotion I've ever felt was loneliness. I've spent the greater part of my life as the misunderstood, the overlooked, the undervalued. And so I'm familiar with the value that loneliness brings to my art. But that's not the value that I'm thinking about right now.
The value of loneliness is that sometimes it's not just that you wish you had some form of companionship or personal relationship that brings the pain, but how much you like yourself. Time alone is time in the mirror, and I can tell you honestly that I've never much liked spending too much time staring at myself. It isn't a lack of self confidence or self-worth (not completely, at least). It's that as they say, you're your biggest critic. Staring in the mirror is a sure fire way to come face to face with every flaw you have, and when you feel like those flaws make up most of who you are, loneliness tends to become unbearable.
It's this self analysis that made loneliness one of the most difficult things for me to go through, because for years, I didn't like who I was. For most of my life, I hated being alone with myself. It wasn't until recently, and through years of ignoring advice that I thought was just too simple and
pedestrian to be of any value, that I finally understood how I could embrace that familiar pain. Instead of looking in the mirror and wondering why I hated what I saw, it became time to change what I didn't like and become a better version of myself. Coincidentally, who I am when I'm lonely
is what I don't like about myself. That fear of being the only one in the room turns me into a desperate imitation of myself. I become selfish and greedy, not cracking a smile unless there's something to be gained. Not giving anyone the time of day unless they find a way to pay me for it. The self-loathing stemming from completely investing my personal value in other people's view of me ironically becomes the reason people viewed me as less. My standard of romantic and platonic relationships drop drastically, and I find myself associated with people that I know I'm wasting my time with. I find myself not sharing a single interest with some, or physically, mentally, or spiritually repulsed by them. And it's not them to blame. It's myself. I resent them for me choosing to be there. How ridiculous is that?
And so I arrived at a place where once again I was forced to look myself in the mirror and figure out why I didn't like what I saw. The reason? I had reduced myself to fit into a mold that didn't belong to me. And not only did it hurt me, but other people could tell that I didn't belong. Never again. I will read, write, and exercise my body and mind, so that when it's time for me to invite someone new into my world, we'll both like what we see. So this time around, as loneliness extends its cold hand and invites me to the floor, I'm going to step out onto that floor and dance like nobody is watching. Besides, it's just me in here.
