The Sock Diaries 8/24/2012

I got horny. So naturally, I decided to watch some porn and get it out of the way. I was on the Playstation, and so I moved to my computer, taking my Ethernet cord with me (I don't have wifi or a router.) I got everything prepared, my clean-up tool- an old sock with no partner- my dirty category for the moment- cute chubby girls, and my porn site of choice. But for some reason, I decided to go online and go to the one place that I know my ex goes when she wants to express herself. Damn Tumblr. The one place that's open to the public to see, where I could see exactly what she was up to. I'm not sure why. Two days ago, I finally pulled the cord on our vegetative state relationship. I was cold and heartless, the only way I could be at the time, in order to make things stick. It hurt like hell on the inside, but I didn't let her see. But it was finally completely over, I told her not to contact me ever again. Two years of being madly in love, and 4 months of thinking we could eventually work it out, ended. I looked on her Tumblr for... I guess her usually venting about me, something about losing me and how much it hurt. Honestly, that would have made me feel better because at this point, I am alone and miserable, and I left her because I didn't want to be around as she moved on, easily. There was already someone else, and already, I couldn't compete with him, so I had to end it. I couldn't be around to see her slowly fade away from me. I searched for five minutes through pictures and statuses. Out of the 50 or so pics and sentences I perused, I saw maybe two that may have been about me. Nothing conclusive though. Until I saw the picture. She was beautiful, smiling, happy looking. And she was close to him, cheek to cheek as he smiled at the camera with her. It's over. The most crushing feeling I've ever felt. She's already happy and moving on while I sit here, alone, self-pitying, chasing ghosts and pretending I know what the hell I'm doing. I sat for a moment, shocked, penis in a sock, losing my erection and an alarming rate, heart-racing and mind seeking out some kind of alleviation for the pain. I chased her into his arms, and his bed. She will self-medicate on him until there is no more sting from the pain I caused. Until the cancer I was is completely remissed and I'm only a distant memory and a laugh. I wondered where I would self-medicate. Where would I go for comfort? And yet I put myself in this situation. But honestly, couldn't see myself doing it any other way. Fate seems to be the cruelest mistress of them all.