Where am I, at this point? Ugh. I never know. I'm trying to get my head on straight for work, and girls off of my mind. It's not so easy when you spend most of your waking life thinking about them. But it's definitely not what I need right now. I blame social media. For two reasons, really. First, it's such easy access to only the best parts of other people's lives. The polished, perfectly lit, sepia-toned, smiles-only part. And you feel left out. The second reason is... I can't really blame myself, can I? Of course I can but I don't want to.
I'm not sad, or depressed. Or anything much. But lost. Shit... where do I go next? I apologize for not presenting you with the depraved drama that the Sock Diaries are usually so good about containing, but everything that's happened to me lately has seemed so inconsequential. There was someone in my life that I cared about, who is no longer there, but I can't bring myself to believe that I care all that much. My life has always been easier and more drama-free without them, so honestly, them being there and the fun and satisfaction that I get from their presence was always shadowed by arguments and frustration, and a lowered self-esteem and overall self-worth. With them gone, those high highs and low lows are gone, but being back on level ground isn't as bad as I made it seem before. I got some girls' numbers that all eventually went nowhere. It doesn't bother me, we didn't really hit it off, they were likely just strained relationships waiting to be shoddily and hastily built and ready to fall apart. Not what I'm looking for. The only downside is probably the lack of anyone at all to be there with me. Friend or otherwise. It's all social media conversations and phone calls. I go out alone, eat alone, drink alone, laugh alone. It's something that I knew very well a long time ago, but a condition I dreamed to escape. The loneliness isn't what bothers me. It's that I don't know what one does with solitude. What do I do? Where am I, at this point?
Monday, February 16, 2015
Perfectly adequate... or you could just shoot me in the mouth...
I was once called "pretty good" by a girl I was with. You know... with. As much as I enjoy constructive criticism, all I could actually hear was something along the lines of "You have a small penis, your wife is going to leave you for a french porn star, your children are going to hate you and you'll probably die alone."
I don't know if it's engrained in me as a man, or if it's something that society tells me that I always need to be the best, or if that's just my own personal... hubris. What I do know is, when a man is supposed to be yours and yours alone, you let him know that he's the greatest thing since the wheel. For some reason, almost no man can accept being anything but the G.O.A.T. in your vagina.
When I think back to the relationships in which I felt the happiest, I remember that it was because the girl or woman I was with made me feel like I was all she needed in the world. Like her list of necessities went as such:
1. Me
2. Oxygen
3. Water
4. Food
5. Me
And it felt amazing. I felt strong, important, and relevant. Now I'm not saying that any or all relationships should be like this, by far. I'm not even saying that my own relationship should be like that. As I go through this jungle of dating with my bulldozer, I realize at every turn that I have no idea what I want. But I know what most men need at least sometimes. It's that feeling of being powerful. Of being the king of his own castle, because we're not all rock-stars who live and breathe by our own schedule. The world is constantly beating us down and reminding us of how low we really are on the totem pole, despite raising us to believe that we should never not be on top. For the relationship "Alphas" the woman (or partners) of the world are our queens, and we hope to be the Kings, if not everyday, for one day once in a while. We want to be the best. Better than anyone else who's ever stepped up to the plate. It's an ego thing. No shit. And many men may grow out of it. But it never hurts to put the effort forward to give your man that throne. Because sometimes, it's either that, or you could just shoot us in the mouth.
I don't know if it's engrained in me as a man, or if it's something that society tells me that I always need to be the best, or if that's just my own personal... hubris. What I do know is, when a man is supposed to be yours and yours alone, you let him know that he's the greatest thing since the wheel. For some reason, almost no man can accept being anything but the G.O.A.T. in your vagina.
In case you want to get him a gift he would actually wear
to those formal events....
When I think back to the relationships in which I felt the happiest, I remember that it was because the girl or woman I was with made me feel like I was all she needed in the world. Like her list of necessities went as such:
1. Me
2. Oxygen
3. Water
4. Food
5. Me
And it felt amazing. I felt strong, important, and relevant. Now I'm not saying that any or all relationships should be like this, by far. I'm not even saying that my own relationship should be like that. As I go through this jungle of dating with my bulldozer, I realize at every turn that I have no idea what I want. But I know what most men need at least sometimes. It's that feeling of being powerful. Of being the king of his own castle, because we're not all rock-stars who live and breathe by our own schedule. The world is constantly beating us down and reminding us of how low we really are on the totem pole, despite raising us to believe that we should never not be on top. For the relationship "Alphas" the woman (or partners) of the world are our queens, and we hope to be the Kings, if not everyday, for one day once in a while. We want to be the best. Better than anyone else who's ever stepped up to the plate. It's an ego thing. No shit. And many men may grow out of it. But it never hurts to put the effort forward to give your man that throne. Because sometimes, it's either that, or you could just shoot us in the mouth.
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