I've been on a whole "No woman, no cry" kick as of late. Not really on purpose, but I've generally lost my taste for relationships. I still talk to a strangely large amount of women, and will have a hell of a time cleaning names out of my phone book when I get back in country, but most of the time, I purposely bomb my chances with these new women, because I have an estimated two days left in country, and haven't been one for one night stands. Were I not leaving soon, I would probably have gotten myself into all sorts of things up to this point.
The strangest thing about this whole dilemma is that I still want to daydream about having that special someone. I find myself thinking "When I get married, my wife is going to be..." and I stop there, realizing that I have no idea what she's going to be like. I look back on my big three ex-girlfriends (the ones I said "I love you" to) and notice that there was only one pattern. When we were together, they were generally submissive. Now that we're broken up, they've all blossomed into their own version of dominant, and I know that it was mainly me who pushed them into that direction. It's fine, more or less. They're thriving(ish) women, and making their own independent(ish) decisions and living their lives the way they want to live them. (ish).
But that's neither here nor there. What I'm getting at is that at this very, very strange period in my life, I barely know what I want when it comes to family. I figure I want a car, a nice house with high speed internet, and for the zombie apocalypse to kick in when I'm around 45, that way I should be in pretty good shape, and already well into my life to where I'm not going to miss much. Oh, and a dog. As far as family is concerned, I know I'd love to have a son, but I have no idea what my wife/baby momma will be like. My prediction is that she'll turn out to be a malicious, deceiving she-devil after my inevitable divorce, who will ensure that she not only leaves with at least half my shit, but also absorbs half of my potential happiness for the rest of her life, until she's dragged down into a crowd of zombies while handing me up our child through the window just in time. And then I shoot her in the face later.
Now that I don't spend all of my time throughout my day thinking about my future wife, I have no idea what I really want from any of this whole boy-meets-girl scenario that we as young people spend all of our time wrapped up in. I know what I want with my career, I know what kind of car I want, what kind of job, what my dream apartment looks like, and all of the guys that I want to grow old next to. Or at the very least, make my last stand in an abandoned parking lot surrounded by zombies with.
It's a strange feeling. Not knowing what's next, and having no expectations at all. But that's where I am, and though I have no idea what I'm in store for with this next part, I just really hope that it's as good as the last part...
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