To the ones we've loved and lost...

This one here goes out to the ladies in my life. I would like to extend an apology from the male race to all of the women that we've loved and lost, because we are jackasses. To those women who cheated or left us for the guy with money or a better job, or the guy who you spent time with while we were out of town, you cuntbags can go fuck yourselves. But to those women on whom we kind-of-almost-cheated-on, or who we broke-up with having nearly no decent reason, or for any of the ones we've done wrong on one level or another
I've lost two very good women so far in my life due to my own actions. No one's to say things wouldn't have fallen apart somewhere later down the line for one reason or another, and I'm not saying I missed out on my soul-mate because I wanted a little "strange". What I'm saying is that I decided to end these two relationships because the timing wasn't right. The relationship I got out of most recently had all the makings of a beautiful Hollywood love story. A soldier who goes away to Afghanistan, a girl back home who worries every night and waits by the computer for the next chance to make sure her soldier is safe for one more day. She was amazing, this I have no doubt. But the timing wasn't right and I couldn't be in a relationship anymore. It's almost that simple. After the relationship was over I did somethings to her that I regret, that I don't really like talking about, not even on here. But long story short, when it was all said and done, I did her wrong. And I've done similar things to a girl from long ago.
Guys do things like this much more often than not, I'm ashamed to say. I'm not saying all guys cheat, I'm not saying all guys do terrible things behind your back, but I am saying that guys do stupid things. I know this might not be ground breaking news, but I am open to revealing to you the secret behind why we do these things. It's because we're guys.
Now, now guys and gals, before you get up in arms and get all mad at me for dragging you all the way through three paragraphs of blog to a massively disappointing, anticlimactic truth. But that's all I offer. Truth. I don't promise passion, pleasure, drugs, sex, or violence; I can only offer truth. The truth is, sometimes guys do dumb things because it's in our nature. We can spend all this time justifying our every action, and making sure we get everything right, but eventually, you need to breathe, take the girdle off, stray from the lines and chase the desires of the dog inside. The stupidity of men will never stop, it will only change. I'm sorry that I don't have a good excuse for us. But hey, at the end of the day, we still love you.
So, understand,  women, our stupidity does not mean we don't love you, or that we have a habit of doing wrong. It just means that sometimes we leave our brains at home and go out, and then we come home and try to get it back before you wake up. But it never works out that way.

Gather around, gentlemen, we need to talk...

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
Okay, okay, okay, let me back track. I'm sorry for yelling , gentlemen. But I've been running into a very, VERY large amount of guys aiming for the stars. On the other side of the planet. I mean just arrows flying straight into the dirt. It seems like everyone has just given up and is just hooking up with anything willing with legs and a vagina. And I'm fairly certain there are more people who are flexible on the vagina part than legs.
Look, gentlemen, the end of the world is not so close that you have to settle for the first girl willing to go down on you. Even if the world did end tomorrow, you won't feel fulfilled settling for a girl you barely know and marginally like, and can't ever look her in the eye after sex. Everyday, I'm seeing guys with girls who are moderately unattractive. That's perfectly fine. Being with someone more for their personality than their looks is encouraged and healthy. But the majority of the women I've seen have just SHIT attitudes and horrible personalities. Crazy ones, stuck up ones, mean ones, fake nice ones, boring ones, over excited ones, big ones, small ones, blue ones and purple ones, and a few who had no personalities at all... I mean it's just kind of saddening to see. I always thought that the sweetest girls were the girls who felt like they had to prove that they were just as pretty as the other girls, just on the inside. And I really liked those girls, you know? Those girls had charm. And no matter what you wanted to say about how big they were or skinny, or dark or pale, you felt like shit for thinking that after a minute of talking to them. Those are the girls I was proud of you all for dating and hooking up with. But when did we enter this Disney world where ugly on the outside meant ugly on the inside? And since when was that the "cool" thing to do? Having someone there at the end of the day is nice, but if that someone is NOTHING like what you need in your life, be that a motivator, a cheerleader, someone to cheer for, a partner, a boss, a subordinate, a homie, a mother a father a sister a brother, shit, a pet, I don't know what you need specifically, but if that girl isn't it, you don't settle and you don't stop looking.
I understand that we all find ourselves in sex droughts or full of alcohol and out of time at the bar, or on the rebound from a long relationship, but that doesn't mean that you should be scraping the bottom of the barrel just because it's easier to stack up the chunks. MOVE ON TO THE NEXT GOD DAMNED BARREL. It's LITERALLY full of options. Good ones. Even great ones. You just have to take a minute to sift through a barrel full of shit to find those diamonds that the world crapped out.

Sock Diaries: 11/22/2012

I just realized something. It's been like, a month and a half since I've gone anywhere to do anything. I'm becoming a Hobbit. Fuck. I mean since one of my going out friends became a pot head and then left, it's been mostly takeout food and porn. That chick didn't work out. She... has some serious issues that I remember from before, but chose to pretend didn't happen. At this point I just feel like I'm wasting time. In between hitting the gym, and working, I'm barely alive. When I got back from Afghanistan, living was my number one priority. I broke up with my girlfriend of two years, I had sex with a few people I shouldn't have, an orgy, a Norwegian girl, an asian sergeant, and I came really close to taking this white girl's virginity at a college party. And now... here I am, alone on thanksgiving, with the highlight of my day about to be Call of Duty, God of War, and a giant breakfast that I'll be cooking myself. Okay, it's pretty awesome, but I mean, what did I do last night? You know? There were no women, real ones, generally. A lot of porn, though. Definitely a lot of porn... A little bit today. I may have a problem, but, one thing at a time. I'm falling deep into drought mode. I'm experiencing a larger amount of uncontrolled and unprovoked erections throughout the day. Just unnecessary boners. So, I feel like I've come to a crossroads at this point. I could just give in to a life of being a solitary force of silent awesome... or I could vow to bone three different races of women in the next three weeks. I think an epiphany has been had.

Fear

Everyone is afraid of something. Whether it's spiders, heights, or public speaking. I recently got the opportunity to see a man who had been to Afghanistan and in multiple firefights, and had been trained as an infantry sniper, give a presentation from note cards with his hands trembling like a woman being proposed to. Fear is a very strange thing. We all fear a lot of things, but there are a few things we fear the most. I'm not talking about a "greatest" fear, but those things that we find ourselves in danger of most often. Disappointing someone we care about, or no longer being as good at something we used to be good at, or, most common of all, being alone.
People have learned to fear dying alone more than they fear dying itself. That's partly because throughout life, we're taught to look at death as the inevitable end, whereas being alone is treated as the thing to be cured or fixed or avoided. They say "there's someone out there for everyone" but the truth is, there isn't. There are well over 6 billion people on the planet. Some people are gay or lesbian, some people have sex with animals. Intentionally. That would mean that there's a horse out there somewhere, just dying to find the right cowboy. The truth is, life is messy, but sometimes the coin lands on it's side, sometimes you find that person you never have a fight with, and you hate their guts, or sometimes you end up with that one you can't stand but you love to death. And sometimes, it's just complicated. People always try and seek out that person that they can be in a "perfect" relationship with but as I always say, "perfection" is an opinion, imperfection is a fact. Everything has flaws, but that doesn't mean that it isn't perfect to someone. But it takes time to find that perfect collection of imperfections. And the fact is, it's not guaranteed.
There's one thing among many other things that's guaranteed in life. And that's that at some point, you're going to be alone. That is what people fear the most. Being alone. They're told to find a "happiness" and are painted a picture of happy couples and wedding rings. They're told that being alone in the end is the worst ending of them all. That the love of another is that one thing they've been missing their whole life and once they have it, they'll be complete.
That is the biggest lie that the media sells to you outside of the fact that it's safe to consume large amounts of chinese food. That shit will kill you. The hardest thing you could ever do will be to learn to be alone.
When you're independent, you learn how to enjoy focus on liking what you see in the mirror and not just what everyone else sees when they look at you. You spend your whole life measuring yourself on how much someone else values you you forget that you could set your own price tag.

Sock Diaries: 11/12/2012

So... there's a problem. There's been a return of an old female friend. Not an ex-girlfriend or anything, but someone who wants to get close. She's looking for a relationship. She's cute, she's nice, it's just... I really don't want that right now. Honestly, I'm getting happier knowing that I'll be out of the country again soon. This is just too much. I mean, I like the company, and I really like the physical part, but I got out of a relationship for a reason.
I loved my ex, and on some levels, still do, but I'm over her, and I'm ready to move on. I'm happy she's happy, you know, got a job she loves, a guy she can obsess over, all these new things to obsess over like the Joker, and Childish Gambino, and... sex. All of which weren't there before I came around. I feel a lot like I left her in a good place in her life. That's cool and all but I mean I'm passed the whole captain save-a-... you know. I'm at a point where I need to focus on me and just relax. I mean I say all that just to say that I really don't want to be in a relationship. But I kinda like this chick... especially how convenient she is. I have three months left here and am in no mood to be trying to start up something new. I know that the smart move would be to just not contact her anymore and let the whole thing fizzle out. But then again, I haven't been laid since the Norwegian chick (Mmm... the Norwegian chick) and so that leaves me in a dilemma. I really want to narrow down the odds of me leaving the country without even having an American girl be the last taste on my tongue... (wow I sound like a sex-crazed dog). But I mean, come on, I'm only human. Everyone I know is getting laid, my friends, my ex, my ex before her, and my ex before her. I mean I had a hot streak after the break-up, with more quantity and quality in two weeks than I had before we got together. and then a drought, and all kinds of emotional turmoil dealing with loneliness, and being broke. It's about time I started having some fun.

Sock Diaries: 11/10/2012

I just watched a movie about the end of the world. Not like the Day After Tomorrow or anything. The movie was called "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World." In it, they release the news that a meteor is on the way to earth and they've failed for the last time to prevent it's landing. The world goes crazy, and the main character sits in a car with his wife, who, on listening to the news on the radio, and hearing they have three weeks left until the end of the world, opens the car door and sprints away in silence.
There's a lot of talk through the movie about dying alone. Through the movie I began to think about the decisions I've made in my life through the fear of ending up alone. I've gotten into relationships and situations that I found literally no happiness in with the person, just the relief that I wouldn't be alone at the end of the day. I've ruined good things by becoming desperate and scared after relationships had ended.
I have actually truly loved and lost, but by the end of that movie, seeing the characters develop and find what it was that they wanted most before the end of the world, I felt something I'd never felt before. I realized that if I died where I am right now, I would be okay. I don't need someone to tell me they love me before I close my eyes at night anymore, or to hold that special someone close in my arms. I've done it. And it was amazing. Now, I just want to write and live. I'm enjoying knowing who I am and where I'm going. Even if I go it alone. Strangely enough, I'm happier now, than I've been in a very, very long time...

What a girl wants...

Women are complicated as shit. That's why I made this blog. The strangest thing I noticed about talking to women is that they want you to want them, but act like you don't. That's because over thousands of years of "evolution", things have gotten, well, complicated. Women know that it's a buyer's market, and they're the ones with the cash. This sets up for an interesting little dance between men and women. Men become a little more accustomed to rejection. If we don't put ourselves out there, we will always lose out to the guy who will. Women, on the other hand are accustomed to being chased. They like to know that they can compare to other women, when all they can do is sit and wait on the dogs to catch the scent. Women rarely go out of their way to put themselves on the line to get a guy, because rejection to most women is way more painful than you would think. We all know rejection sucks, but for guys, it's a momentary lapse, an occupational hazard if you will. For women, rejection can turn their world upside down for a while. They rethink EVERYTHING. The difference in preparation for rejection for women and men is something we've known about for a long time. You ever seen a woman start preparing to go out anywhere? If they plan on being somewhere at 8, they start preparing at 4, and aren't ready until 9. A guy would Start preparing at 730 and be ready by 735. Women like to know they look their best, and when a guy who spent 45 seconds choosing an outfit and 35 seconds putting it on rejects them, after they took the day off work to get an eight hour jump on the eight hour process of getting ready.
So women want you to notice. But they won't tell you, and they won't go out of their way to talk to you to let you know that you have a chance. But they also don't want you to look desperate. Women want you to approach them like you have other options. They want you to try, but not too hard. Yeah... it's a complicated process.
I would like to say that I had the mathematical equation to teach you the happy medium but you can never really predict where a woman's preferences will actually land. In the end, the closest you can come to landing in that happy medium is confidence.

The One, not the One-hundred...

A friend of mine recently confessed crimes of infidelity to his long distance girlfriend/fiancee. He was distraught about it, having just seen the "light" and realizing how wrong he had been, knowing how the trust was broken, and that he couldn't do anything about it. The scumbag's philosophy in this scenario would be "What she don't know, won't hurt her. He's dumb for telling her." To which I would reply, "Probably."
But of course the bigger mistake would have been the infidelities themselves. But I digress. The real issue that I saw was not a question of his question path of decisions, but more, his sadness about them. I asked about the glum disposition of my chum, and he replied that he was sad about cheating. I asked if she would forgive him, he said he didn't know. I asked if she seemed like she would, and he said yes. I then asked what there could possibly be to be sad about at this point, to which he rebutted, "I just don't know if she's going to want to get revenge." I was confused and asked why he would think she would want to. To which my blue brother replied, "Because that's what most girls would want to do."
This was the part of the conversation that peaked my interest the most. I  mean, it's not like he was just engaged to some chick he met on the internet a week ago. He'd known this girl for a while before he popped the question. So why ever would he group her in a way as to compare her to "most" girls?
The first thing I wanted to say was, you should learn to trust someone, and never bring your old baggage onto a new flight.  But another idea popped into my head, much more pressing.
No one should feel like they've "settled" after they've already promised the rest of their life to someone. People commonly use the phrase "measure twice, cut once", but it has never been more relevant than when talking about a soul mate. You never buy the cow before trying the milk. You never stick it in if you didn't sniff it first. You get the point. If you can't imagine, even for a second, that you could spend every waking moment of the rest of your life with the one you love, you either need to rethink some things, or slow it the hell down. The most important thing that happens to you in life is finding that one in a hundred. But you just make sure it's the One. Not the One-Hundred.

Lose-Change...

Loss is a part of life. It happens in various ways, from death to life. When I say life, I mean people traveling away, or stopping travel. Loss is an inevitable event that we all go through, because it's a part of change, and as they say, the only thing that doesn't change is that things change. In change, you lose one thing for another, whether it be a hot, crazy girlfriend, to a sane, not so hot one, or a girlfriend to a dog... however that transaction may happen..... no judgements. You can't have Change without loss, nor loss without change.
When you grow up in poverty, you come to know loss and change as complete antonyms. You've already lost a lot, and if you lose anymore, it would be a bad thing, but you would love to have a change. And when you're the only one of your friends to run off to the military out of high school so that you could have a roof over your head, you become quite accustomed to loss and change. But that doesn't make either any easier.
I've recently lost the company of some good friends, not to death, but to life. They've moved on, and I'll lose more when I move on. I look back on my past and see my friends, family, and girlfriends. I see regrets and successes and (reluctantly) feel like I wouldn't change a thing. It's all for the best.
Things change, we grow up and go on. There will be new friends, girlfriends, and even new family. And sometimes there will be old friends, girlfriends, and hopefully, old family. It isn't easy to lose someone you care about, but it does get easier to cope. You never take their loss anymore lightly, but you do take it differently. You learn to focus less on replacing them with someone or something similar, to filling in the gaps with something else until life brings you more lose-change.

The Sock Diaries: 11/2/2012

"Carne Diem (Meat the day)"- "Wilfred"
I realized recently that the longer I go without sex, the more carnal the desire becomes. I've tried masturbating, but that only provides a momentary solution to the problem. I need real human interaction. I need sex. Consensual sex, of course. Fear not, dear reader, for my sanity or the legality of my actions. Everyday, as I smell the flowery scents of the women around me, I clench my teeth and my mouth waters slightly. Not long ago, I caught the scent of one woman as she passed my, and I just flashed in my mind to sinking my teeth in her neck and hearing her moan with pleasure. I want to taste, smell, and feel again. I've never been one for casual sex with strangers, but if there were any times for that, I fear it's coming close. I've done it before. For fun, and in a splurge after breaking up with my ex, trying to prove to myself that I had a good reason for it. I don't like who I become without a regular amount of sex in my life. Desperate. Sloppy. Fuck me. I need a drink...

The Sock Diaries: 11/1/2012

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still coping with my break-up. It was about six months ago, but somehow it feels a lot shorter. Every day I think about her, and how comforting it was to always have someone to talk to who actually gave a shit what I had to say.

Three days after we broke up, I had sex with another girl. Not long after that, I had sex with her best friend. I knew it was stupid, and I had made a similar, not as serious, mistake with this same “best friend” of a girl I used to date. Two weeks after we broke up, I had had sex with about four to five other women. Three weeks after we broke up, she confessed to having some feelings for a guy that I had introduced her to, in trying to get her to stop trying to get me to get back with her. That same day, she told me she planned on having sex with him because he had a big dick.

Three more weeks, and the women stopped coming, and the parties were over, and the money was gone and I was completely alone, thinking about the girl who had cried, begged and pleaded for me to stay. What more can you ask from a woman before she really moves on? She tells me she can't see me the way she used to and that she has strong feelings for the new guy I introduced her to. He still isn't over his ex, but she initially was keeping him around for the sex. She says it's more than that now and that I wouldn't understand. No one does.

She had replaced me. In three weeks she found- no I found her a guy who she felt was an adequate enough replacement for a guy who she had been in love with for over two years. It didn't matter to me when he was just a guy she was fucking, but when I found out she had feelings for him, my world came crashing down around me. It was over. I was no longer anyone's Number One. Her heart was elsewhere.

In Three weeks.

Nine weeks after we break-up, we were no longer talking. I was- am, angry about the situation. About my ridiculous mistake, about her replacing me, about the only female friend I had in the world taking her side and befriending her over me. I vow to myself I wouldn't go to any of her social networking sites for fear that I would see how happy she was with her new guy friend who was in the same area code ALL the time instead of two weeks a year. The one with the big dick.

Twelve weeks after we broke up, I break my vow and venture on to one of her pages. There, the first thing I see is a sentence about how well she was just fucked and a picture of her and him cuddled together. It felt like blowing dust out of a cup. It goes straight in your eyes, and you instantly realize how obvious that outcome should have been. But instead of dust, it was more like hot volcanic ash.

Three weeks later, I reenlist in the Army for three more years to go to Central America.

The Sock Diaries: 10/30/12

I started at a kickboxing gym recently. I don't think the instructor is certified in instructing, but he's built like the comic book version of... well every superhero. Also, he can fight. I've had the opportunity to release a lot of stress on the bag and a little in the ring. I still think about her when I'm alone. I wish things could have been different. I wish that I could have been able to make things make sense before it all crumbled. But for the most part. I've moved on to focusing on myself. My focus at work and at the gym has increased dramatically. My performance and motivation is up, and my masturbation count is down. I'm not sure if the two are related, but I know that either way, I feel better about myself now than ever before.