Judgement has been passed... I was talking to an ex girlfriend recently, and apparently, I'm a womanizing, manipulative asshole. Those weren't her words exactly, but that was the final verdict. We broke up four years ago, and I remembered it as kind of rough and tumble thing, I was desperate for attention and affection, but she was in the kind of household that didn't allow for much time away and together. I remember we had some rough times, mainly me complaining about not having enough time with her, and I did some stupid things in the middle, but, I didn't think it was the worst thing in the world. I got her parents to loose the chains a little. I got them to accept me as her boyfriend, and accept her having a boyfriend. But I did one very, very stupid thing at the end. As I tend to do when I turn my brain off for some poor reason or another.
I thought for a while on the good things, like the first time we said I love you. Waiting for her everyday on the bus stop when she went home. Meeting her family for the first time and being introduced to the cartoon Avatar: The Last Airbender. Coming in to our little after school program so early just so I could squeeze out every second I could with her. Laughing, playing, sneaking around (until we got caught by her parents) these were the fun things. The trip to New York when she told me she loved me for the first time. It was the first time any girl had ever said those words to me in person. I remember that moment so clearly, I can smell her perfume. She was there for me when my Grandmother died.
But then it all ended. Partially because of one very specific action, and partly because I had become extremely bitter at not having any way to see her after our after-school program ended. I would argue, she would try to calm me down. I lashed out at her and things just got out of hand. And for that I'm sorry.
I had more relationships, short and insignificant. I had crushes, and very close-calls, but then, I fell in love again. A girl who knew my ex and loved my writing. I had only met her once, and from what she told me, she hated me. Then she found my blog and began to learn the side of me that I keep secret from everyone and post publicly on the internet. Long story short, that ended, and THEN I fucked up. Kudos to me for holding out.
So now, here I am, womanizing, manipulative asshole. A description far away from the one I used to dream about having when I was younger: "Perfect boyfriend". I didn't make much when I was in that first relationship, but I did do what I could with all that I had. And in making more in my next relationship, I made sure that my lady wanted for absolutely nothing. And I still will. I stand by the fact that my lady my Queen and I am her King. When I am happy, I will make sure that my lady feels like royalty. I know that sounds pretentious, but it's true. My most recent ex went out of her way to always make sure I felt the love, even when I was in Afghanistan. And so I did the same.
But all of that aside... womanizing, manipulative asshole. This bothered me for a while. I thought to myself, I'm trying to be a great guy. I'm trying to do the right thing and make people forget about the stupid shit that I'd done in my past. I wondered if I would forever be defined and remembered by my mistakes. Should I even try anymore, if my mistakes will follow me forever? Should I just give up and be the bad guy? But then I took a piece of advice I give to other people when they're stressing over other people's opinions of them.
I picked my head up and said, with passion and conviction, with pride and self-discovery...
"Fuck her, I'm awesome."
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